Russian man is at work alone. Copy machine begins making copies. Man did not make copies. He goes to look. Copies show him dead at desk.He curses bad capitalist machines. Shoots copier, and begins making all copies by hand.
Soviet peasant filled with burning desire to read for glory of Soviet Russia. One day peasant go to Soviet bookstore, and sees book with skull on cover.He asks owner how much is book, and owner responds 80 rubles. However, owner tell peasant never read last page, or else doom shall fall upon him!Peasant reads all book in one night, is dark book of capitalism about by evil man, John Deere, talking of automated machinery and air conditioned tractors, many horrors in book indeed!Yet peasant does not read last page, for he has fear in his heart! One night it storms however, and the man is bored. He finally gathers up enough Soviet courage to read last page, dispelling superstition, for he has faith in the Party.As soon as he reads last page, man gasps! Book originally 20 rubles! The owner was Jew!
One day, Yevdokya is visit by traveller friend. Friend say, "Dunya, I find monkey paw, with power to grant three wishes. But I have all I want in communist utoptia, so give paw to you for keeping."When friend leave, Yevdokya, being enemy of people and anarchist, decide to make wish, testing paw. she say "Monkey paw, I wish for more food for myself" as she selfish.The next day, KGB arrive to drag her son away, for enemy collaboration. Now Yevdokya have more bread ration for self.Anguished for her son, even though he betrayer of worker, she wish to paw again, "Monkey paw, I wish to have my son return to me."The next day, KGB arrive with her son. her son comply with KGB interrogation and return to implicate mother.As KGB knock on door, Yevdokya grab monkey paw again to make final wish, "Monkey paw, I make mistake in previous wish. please make them go away."KGB kick down door and destroy monkey paw. They say "Your son says you worship monkey god. Religion is enemy of worker. Atheism is only scientific truth."Yevdokya then sent to labor camps for where her dangerous superstitions could not infect loyal soviet worker. She never see son or KGB again.
You are having nightmare about burning. You wake up and have breakfast. At breakfast you read Pravda. News section is saying you are dying one day ago in chemical fire. Such is life in Moscow.
You are home to watch Pravda on televisir about degenerate murderer who is on the loose. You look out the window door to beet field, and you notice Man standing in the snow. He look like foto on televisir and he smile at you. You gulp vodka, picking up fone to your right and dialing Local Militia Precinct Commissar. Back out the glass you look, pressing fone to ear. Notice he now closer to you. You drop vodka in shock.No footprints in snow. It was reflection. You dullard!Your apartment is bulldozed down to make way for glorious tractor factory.
In Russia, coffin has pipe for air, and bell with string. If man is true Soviet, he does not die. When buried, yells for undertaker and rings bell. Bell rings. Is no wind.Undertaker asks - "Are you lady Gorbochev?"Voice says "Da!""Born winter of 1927?""Da!""Gravestone says 'Died 20 February, 1957""Niet, am still living!""Am sorry, but is August. In June, ground will thaw. You must wait for June."And woman is true Soviet, waits for June.
Is said that some victims of gypsy curse, during the act, retreat into sissy fantasy world from which they not WAKE UP. In catatonic state, victim lives in silly world where Motherland is not supreme. The only way good proletariat knows to WAKE UP is to find note in fantasy. Note says,"WAKE UP. BEET FIELD NEEDS TENDING." Even then, they are to be executed for capitalist dream.
Walking home one night, you notice all candle in personal shack are lit. You finish vodka bottle as you approach door.House is empty, and you made sure not to feed guard dog, but candle still go out.You check Soviet pocket watch, small hand on 4, big hand on 1. You realize you soon be late for glorious unpaid labor at mighty Soviet factory.At factory, you find letter on floor. Is signed to you, from you. You open letter, wonder where you learn writing.Inside reads "the out for watch watch" You look at pocket watch. big hand on 4, little hand on one. You look at note again, 4th and 1st words have swapped places."Watch out for the watch." You look at pocket watch again.You realize watch is broken, and get it fixed. You also decide to cut back on vodka, so do not send letter to yourself anymore.Such is life in Moscow.
I check into small hotel a few kilometers from Kiev. It is late. I am tired. I tell woman at desk I want a room. She tells me room number and give key. "But one more thing comrade; there is one room without number and always lock. Don't even peek in there." I take key and go to room to sleep. Night comes and I hear trickling of water. It comes from the room across. I cannot sleep so I open door. It is coming from room with no number. I pound on door. No response. I look in keyhole. I see nothing except red. Water still trickling. I go down to front desk to complain. "By the way who is in that room?" She look at me and begin to tell story. There was woman in there. Murdered by her husband. Skin all white, except her eyes, which were red. I tell her I don't give a shit. Stop the water trickling or give me refund. She gave me 100 ruble credit and free breakfast. Such is life in Moscow
Tales of creature that eats children that are not loyal to motherland are told to young comrades at bed time. As child I seek out this creature and find it in local cave outside village. I scold creature for wasting labor as KGB does more then efficient job. Creature deported to munitions factory.Such is life in Moscow.
You are diligent worker at Soviet Administration office working at night. The Soviet Copy Machine begins working like good Soviet worker. You go to Soviet Copy Machine and see many Soviet copies in the Soviet tray. It is picture of you dead in chair. The other pictures are also of you dead but taken from more Soviet angles.There is no original picture in the copy machine. In fact, the machine has been out of toner for a week. SOVIET COPY MACHINES WORK OVERTIME FOR GOOD OF CAUSE.
One day, Soviet commissar came to village for monthly inspection. Great commissar see shiny tractor in communal barn and ask: "Why don't you use tractor? Do you want to upset great Communist Party?""Of course not, comrade commissar, we just want tractor to last longer by not using it for useless tasks." replied peasant."Wise thinking comrade, but great Soviet-Union would shine more if tractor is used more!" added great commissar.Months later, great commissar come back for inspection and see worn-out tractor."Why tractor in that state?""Well comrade commissar we used it for this and that, and that..."Politburo relocated village population to Siberian gulag. Villagers were not true Soviets, villagers were inefficient.
Man come home from factory tired. Open vodka, skeleton pops out and kills man, true soviet is never tired.KGB sends skeleton to reeducation camp, for wasting labor.Such is life in moscow.
One night, I was in bed, beating wife, when phone ring. I beat phone, then pick it up. I hear voice. Voice says; "What you do with my daughter?!" I turn to wife and demand to know why her father interrupt me beating her. But she say, her father is dead! Then, KGB break into house and arrest me for illegal possession of phone. Such is life in Moscow.
Author
Topic: Funny soviet stories and parodies (Read 9865 times)
